It’s been more than six months since the Supreme Court Dobbs decision was leaked to the press. Since that day, radical pro-abortion groups have been firebombing pregnancy clinics across the country. They’re tossing Molotov cocktails through windows, throwing pig blood and other vulgarities on the walls, and leaving behind graffiti explaining exactly who they are. It probably wouldn’t be that difficult to track these domestic terrorists down – they’re signing their work, after all. But the Department of Justice would have to want to hunt them down.
Instead of sending the FBI after genuine domestic terrorists, here are some of the big cases that Attorney General Merrick Garland has been focusing on since the bombings started.
First, Garland arrested a West Virginia man named Tony Lee Coffman. Mr. Coffman is 59 years old. Garland’s DOJ has charged Tony Coffman with a crime so heinous that he is facing a maximum of 30 years in federal prison. That’s three times as long as you would serve for manslaughter in most states. What did this guy do?!
According to the DOJ, which is really proud of itself for nabbing this modern-day John Dillinger, Tony Coffman drove from his home state of West Virginia into Ohio. In Ohio, Coffman allegedly purchased a potted ginseng plant. Then, Tony Coffman drove back into West Virginia with that potted ginseng plant. He “illegally” transported a potted plant across state lines. That’s it.
Great job, Merrick Garland! Justice is served!
Next, the Justice Department swooped into the New Bedford School District in Massachusetts to crack down on another major crime that’s more important than firebombing pregnancy clinics. You might want to sit down for the heinous crime that sent FBI agents to the New Bedford School District. Some illegal alien children from Guatemala were not being provided instruction in their native tongue from their remote jungle village. They speak an obscure Mayan dialect known as K’Iche’.
The DOJ proudly announced that it has entered into a settlement agreement to bring the criminals at the New Bedford School District in line. That’ll teach them to not have dual-language instructors on hand to accommodate illegal aliens who speak a dialect that is so obscure that no one has ever heard of it! Great job, Merrick Garland! Thanks for keeping us all safe!
Next, the DOJ arrested 46-year-old Allison Spaulding of Ohio. Ms. Spaulding faces up to a year in prison and a $100,000 fine for the heinous crime of selling an invasive species of crawfish. The feds added the “marbled crawfish” to the constantly growing list of invasive species in 2020, so maybe Ms. Spaulding didn’t get the memo? Anyway, the Department of Justice got her, so we can all rest easy. Great job, Merrick Garland! Way to stay on top of the important things!
And finally, the DOJ announced that it has fined Kohl’s and Walmart millions of dollars for the crime of “greenwashing.” Apparently, Walmart and Kohl’s had some products they were selling that were advertised as having bamboo fibers in them. But it was actually (*gasp!*) rayon! We’ll bet those ne’er-do-wells at Walmart and Kohl’s probably DIDN’T EVEN CHECK to see if it was rayon instead of bamboo. Thanks for throwing the book at them for “greenwashing,” Merrick Garland! It hurts all of us when bamboo is misidentified as rayon.
Anyway, now that the most partisan hack ever appointed to the Attorney General position in American history has cracked those important cases, would it be possible to get the Department of Justice to look into that whole “domestic terrorists are firebombing pregnancy clinics” problem? Because it seems like that would be an important case to solve as well.